


You See Me

by MuddyInk



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Depression, Ghosts, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Loneliness, Moving On, No Dialogue, No Smut, References to Depression, Sad, Sad Ending, Social Anxiety, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Suicide Notes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-12
Updated: 2019-09-12
Packaged: 2020-10-17 01:17:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,166
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20612552
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MuddyInk/pseuds/MuddyInk
Summary: Dear Connor Murphy,I can't wait to see you again





	You See Me

Wake up, roll out of bed, go to the bathroom. Brush my teeth, pee, wash hands. Kitchen, eat small breakfast. Get dressed, take my pills. Go to work. Long day, do your job, go home. Eat, shower, internet and sleep. Wake up repeat. 

Is this how it's supposed to be? 

Wake up, roll over turn off the alarm. Lay in bed. Hours pass but I haven’t moved. I can't move. I’m so tired. Get up, use the bathroom. I don’t brush my teeth. Can’t be bothered. Go downstairs and stare at the fridge. It mocks me. I decide not to eat today. Get dressed and go to work. I forgot my pill today. At work I panic in the bathroom. I shouldn’t have come here. I tell my boss I’m too sick to work. He tells you to take the day off and go to the doctor. At home, laying on my couch. My stomach is growling. Check the time, it’s only noon. Play on my phone, watch the hours tick by. Fall asleep on the couch. No shower today. 

Wake up and don’t move. Think about getting up but don’t. Waiting. Waiting for what? I don’t know. I don’t know how to do this again. I do this every day and it just gets harder. I decide not to get up today. 

Why can't I be happy? I have a job, a home, food. I have my medicine that was supposed to keep me from feeling this way. I have friends. Yet I’m so tired of living this routine. I’m so tired of feeling like trash all the time. I want to be able to get up and look forward to the day, experience some other emotion that panic and anxiety. Why cant I just be normal? I get asked that all the time, ask myself that too. But I’m not normal. I can try to figure out why but I really don’t know. I think I’ll always be broken like this. 

My dad left when I was young, went off and made a new family with some lady in another state. My mom tried but she was always working, struggling to take care of me on her own. I always knew that she was tired. She never had any time to spend with me. She should have known that those therapy assignments weren't making me any better. Who gives a child an assignment to push all their true feelings down and write fake ones? 

I didn't have any friends for a long time either. Sure there was Jared my “Family friend” but he only talked to me to get car insurance from his parents. He made that clear everytime we spoke. Even then I still valued our friendship. I tried to get it together but it never really worked. Couldn’t go a day without an anxiety attack. No one ever noticed me and while that worked for me, I just wanted to be part of something.  
I had a crush. This girl named Zoe. I thought she was beautiful, and I noticed things about her I didn’t think anyone else would. I never saw a person as beautiful as her, but she never noticed me either. To her I was just some stranger. Why would she see me? 

It went like this, for a long time. Then one summer I got to work at Ellison State Park. It was amazing, I had minimal interactions with other people and got to spend time with my favorite thing. Trees. I loved all the trees there, so big and old. Beautiful. Until I tried to commit suicide anyways. I climbed as high as I could, and standing at the top looking down I felt the branch break. It wasn’t the way I wanted to exactly but I fell all the way to the ground. Like a 60 foot drop. I have no idea how or why I survived that fall, but I lay on the ground with my broken arm waiting for someone to come for me. No one came. 

I had gotten up and walked back. My mentor took me to the hospital scolding me over and over for what I did. I didn’t tell him the truth though, so him scolding me hurt even more. My mom was freaked out obviously, but she had to get back go work. Getting my arm set hurt a lot. Way more than when I would hurt myself. So great I started my senior year with a blank cast and Jared loudly making fun of me. Gave me the name acorn and everything. 

Then he just had to make fun of Connor Murphy, Zoe's brother. He thought I was laughing at him and pushed me to the ground, I hit my cast on the floor too so then my arm was hurting. Zoe came to help me and apologize on behalf of her monster brother, so of course I had to embarrass myself in front of her, and of course my hands were sweaty because my hands are always sweaty but when I think about them being sweaty they get even more sweaty an- STOP. 

Turned out that was just the beginning of the end since then I had to go to the computer lab to write out my therapy letter for the day and I just had to write my true feelings which came out as a suicide letter. Connor came in just as I printed it to apologize, signed my cast and saw my letter. It was my fault. He killed himself that night and everyone thought it was a suicide letter to me. They thought we were friends. I couldn’t handle it though. I told them everything right away. It was my letter, addressed to myself. I explained the therapy assignment. The looks on their faces. The heartbreak. They thought they had found the last piece of their son but I just told them I was only another stranger their son had wronged. 

They didn’t yell at me, though. They just looked sadly at me, Connor's dad had squeezed my shoulder on the way out. His mother had hugged me. They still invited me to his funeral. The principle called my mom and that when I got put on more medicine. I did go to Connor's funeral. It was sad. That teacher Connor threw a printer at was there. She said he was a good child. 

People noticed me a lot more after that. Zoe had said something to Alana about his suicide and how I was involved and Alana being Alana had taken it upon herself to spread it to the entire school to “raise awareness”. All she really did was make my life hell. When people notice you there comes good and bad. People want to be your friend, people are just curious. Then there's the people who want to hurt you for no reason other than their own sadistic pleasure. 

The bullying started almost as soon as I came back to school. It started small with a group of boys pushing me or knocking my things out of my hands. Then it led to me being beat up, all the time. I even had to go back to the hospital because they messed up my broken arm again. I had to get it reset. Weeks of healing gone just like that. 

I didn’t want to go to school anymore, but it was my senior year. After this was over I could just move on and forget this ever happened. Right? But it never really stopped. It just got worse the longer it continued and by the end of the year I was more broken than I had ever been. I couldn’t even find the will to get out of bed anymore. By some miracle I had managed to graduate, not that I actually WENT to the graduation. I began to cut that year, and soon my whole upper arms were mutilated, covered in cuts in varying stages of healing. Zoe apparently told her parents what was happening to me at school and I was invited to have dinner with them to talk. 

They wanted to apologize for all the trouble their family had caused me. They never meant for anything like this to happen. We actually had a pretty good time. They told me stories about Connor and Zoe, and we began to eat together every week. I finally felt like I had become a part of something. Me and Zoe even became pretty good friends. We hung out all the time, watching movies, listening to her play guitar. I encouraged her to follow her singing dream. We didn’t date, I lost my crush on her a long time ago. We made good friends though. 

Everything had to come to an end eventually right? One day I just got worse again. No real reason why, it just happened. I felt tired in my life. Continued like that until now. I think they noticed it, too. How my smile was far less bright. That now I always seemed tired and no longer full of life. That I was definitely avoiding going out with them now. They didn’t say anything, though, they just let me fall farther in until I couldn’t get out. I was stuck in this dark place again, a place I had never though or at least hoped I wouldn’t have to return to. 

I would just stay home all day, feeling like shit. I stopped taking my meds, cut more. Just fell apart. There was absolutely nothing that could make me feel better. That’s when all that old stuff started getting brought up in my mind again. The guilt eating at me, consuming me. Destroying everything I had built over the years. I got fired from my job over it. They said they couldn’t keep someone that never showed up. I felt so bad, my boss had given me more chances than she was supposed to and I still blew it simply because I “couldn’t make myself get out of bed" 

And that was that. I lost my friends, my mother never spoke to me, and now I lost my only source of income. I didn’t have anything to live for. 

You see, I ask myself every day that question “is this how it’s supposed to be?” but I don’t know the answer. I may never know the answer to that question. I want a way out. I’m tired of going through the motions. I’m tired of being a failure. 

I didn’t plan on what happened next, but it happened. I can’t change that. I’ll always remember seeing how upset my mom was. Zoe, Larry, and Cynthia. I hate that it hurt them, I do but I don’t want to go back. Connor is here with me now, and he's forgiven me. He said it was never my fault, he should have read my letter before jumping to conclusion. He’s holding my hand and I am here. I am real, and he see's me. I feel completely and truly at peace. 

I am sorry, mom, that you had to see me like that. I’m sorry to whoever found me. Sorry you had to read my final letter. But I wanted you to know I’m at peace, and now Connor is too. He waited for me, mom. He couldn’t move on because he needed to forgive me. I’m happy now mom. I’m happy so you should be happy too. I love you. Goodbye. 

Dear Connor Murphy,

I’m sorry. I’m sorry for the pain I caused you by writing that letter. I’m sorry I caused your death. I didn’t mean to make you feel that way. I regret writing it. Your family is amazing. I know you didn’t really get along with them when you were here but they’re really nice. I think they just didn’t know how to handle what you were going through. It’s too late now but they’re sorry. I liked to think I helped them mourn you. They saved me too, for a while. I think my mom would have liked you. I know we never really knew each other when we were alive but I wish we had. I think we would have helped each other. Maybe is you were alive things would be different. Maybe nothing would have changed at all. We could have been happy together. I said we didn’t know each other but I miss you, Connor. It's not the same here without you. Somehow everything feels colder, darker with you gone. I can't take this pain anymore. The pain of missing you, not having anyone understand me. Not being able to get up and the guilt I feel. I can't take it anymore. I’m coming to join you Connor, wherever we go. I really hope you’re there. I need to apologize to you in person. I can't wait to see you again. 

Sincerely, Me

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know if I missed any mistakes.


End file.
